Massive update

It occurred to me when my phone pitched an "I'm out of space" hissy fit that I haven't updated in a month. Here's a lengthy round up, mostly me because I guess I delete my incoming texts way more often than my outgoing.

10/15/12

A: On yahoo - newest slimming crase: corsets. Ummm. Newest?

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11/9/12

A: I wish I had a videocamera right now. Bunch of guys in hard hats doing warm-up stretches in a circle like an aerobics class. Leg lifts, arm circles.

A: Written on the stall door: "Clean up your pee if you go on da toilet seat." Below it in different writing/color marker: "preach."

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11/16/12

A: There are a bunch of what look like overturned trash cans on Michigan, presumably for a new art installation or the parade. People are just putting their trash on top of them. :)



Z: That really does look like an art project. Or like a Starbucks for the homeless. If they could put a candle or something in each of those plastic cups, that would look amazing for a parade. At least until the fire started.

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11/17/12

A, 11:37am: I'm having one of those days where I keep missing the CTA by literally 5 seconds, so don't be surprised if I get there a little late.

A, 5:00pm: The CTA god hates me.

A: Making himself comfy on the bus.

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11/18/12

A: headline: Gingrich calls Romney "nuts." Omg.

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11/21/12

A: I'm trying to figure out what scam I just fell for. Guy in his car called out and asked if I could call his phone b/c he lost it in his car.

A: The bartender is pretending to be awesome.

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11/24/12

Z: Never ever ask anyone over 60 what kind of humidifier they want. Never.

A: Never ask, just automatically give them the one shaped like a penguin.
Z: Believe me, I tried.

A: Then you say, "I'm sorry, if you don't want the penguin then I can't help you."

A: Rider: how far is Elston? Bus driver: About 2 days walk.

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11/25/12

A: There's a possibly homeless old guy who smells like farts on my bus. Young gay guy whips out a vial of cologne to dab under his nose. Winning.

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12/1/12

A: License plate: XXXTASY.

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12/7/12

A: What looks like a homeless man, walking a trek bike with no seat down michigan avenue with the biggest smile on his face. Don't have the heart to call the cops.

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12/9/12

A: How many times can you pierce an ear? At least ten apparently.

A: "CBA is temporarily closed due to a fire upstairs and mayan calendar anomalies."

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12/11/12

A: Umm.

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12/13/12

A (to M, about the holiday train): There are so many kids on this train it smells more like farts than peppermint.

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12/16/12

A: Excuse me, don't look at me like I'm a weirdo with a foam cooler when you're a 40-something man in a lime green puffer coat with hello kitty products in your bag.

So I live in Canada?

I wasn't aware I ever left...thanks google.

Get out the vote

SSK: let's go drink our lunch today.
A: that works. I already rewarded myself for voting with a donut and $100 worth of clothes, might as well go for the trifecta.

Advertising Problems

11/4/12

A: On Broadway they're putting a bbq place next to a vet. The poor puppies are gonna think they're going to heaven when they're really getting their balls cut off. :(

A: hydrate, at some point, is having an underwear giveaway. Dunno, but I don't think people go there to GAIN underwear.

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A (to SSK): Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Presents "Dragons". There is not one dragon on their ad. Elephant does not = dragon.
SSK: it's a fire breathing elephant

Harry?

10/29/12

A: "You've pissed me off too much, I'm going to chop your head off" sounds so civilized in a british accent.
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11/1/12

A: Mohawk, Cosby sweater, green jeans, adidas in all the primary colors, stache, jean jacket with multiple buttons (pins). He was like an extra from Fresh Prince. Couldn't get a pic.

A: But this I could get, I think it's Harry from Harry & the Hendersons.

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11/2/12

A: People are still being alien abducted at my bus stop. That's an empty pizza box and one shoe.

A: Quote of the evening: we like breaking doors down. From the firefighter in my hallway, my hard of hearing neighbor called and then wouldn't open the door. Drama.

(fyi, neighbor's ok. She had either fallen and couldn't get up or she couldn't get out of bed, the convo was too muffled to really tell.)

Playing catch up

10/11/12

A: OH in fitting room: omg, this is the ugliest...something I've ever seen. I think it needs a belt.

A: I think my 'don't talk to me, don't look at me' face is having the wrong effect.
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10/10/12

A:  Gangsta with giant umbrella on a clear day just winked at me on the bus. Guess my new hat is working for me, but I'm not entirely sure it's working the way I intended.

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9/30/12

A (to JE): Z and I are in the bunny hutch.

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9/29/12

Z: Vodka: So nice I'll say it twice

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10/28/12

Z: This isn't even the funniest part of the box.

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There's a new art installation in Chicago. The artist fills half the air space in a room with balloons and lets people walk through to get a greater perspective on space.

From by Z's place:

A: You know the mini water tower across the street from the real lookingglass one? I think it's filled with balloons.

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10/24/12

A: OH in Beatnik's: whenever I use fangs I go to the drug store and get polident.

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10/25/12

A: Remember the kids who were brushing their teeth on the bus? Today they're eating bowls of cereal, including milk.

Three minutes later:

A: Annnnnnd there goes the milk. There's crying. Heh.

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10/28/12

A: Guy a couple seats in front of me on the bus is playing a radio. I expect him to start littering and gambling any second now.

Couple oldies from the bus stop

Morning adventures at the bus stop.  Photoshopped black arrow is photoshopped, rest is real.

New York Edition!

I just spent the last 4 days in NYC. I was glad to come home but so sad to leave all the nuttiness behind.

From the High Line:

From Broadway:

Need some tin-ting?

We wound up in a subway car with 50-75 orthodox jewish boys on a field trip to do mitzvahs. They sang hebrew songs and gave out literature the entire ride. It was so entertaining, especially the faces of the people getting into the car when they realized what they had just walked into.

The Queens Museum respects diversity: men, women, and furries alike.

Maybe. Possibly.

At least he's honest?

Keeping it interesting:

And last but not least, sign in a subway station: "Plesae help, my son is dieing of caner."

Boystown

9/18/12

A: New word! Snucks. I think it's the plural of snuck.
Z: "Yesterday they snucks into the balloon-filled room."

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9/15/12

A: You know those little stick figure family car window clings? Just passed a car with two men and three dogs.

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9/13/12

A: Cows? Innovative. Furniture? Cute and useful. Giant hearts? For a good cause. Recycled fridges? Very green. Giant golf balls? Just dumb.

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9/9/12

A: Quote from J: "You think I get off on butter?!"

From the past few days

From a bathroom on the lakefront path:

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From a bus stop on Addison:

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Z: Little Clown Pizza: creepy name, shaky grammar, but their heart's in the right place

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Z: I don't know if you can make this out: it's Alicia Silverstone photoshopped onto a package of underwear. Thanks, Logan Square!

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A: This old lady tricked a girl into giving up her seat on the bus. She gets off and RUNS to make the light. Nicely played, grandma.
Z: Sometimes I think I can't wait to be an old person so I can do shit like that.

Friday night!!!

A: Shoppers in line with me: one guy with only a bottle of smirnoff, girl with only a carton of ben & jerry's, guy with only a box of 5 hour energy, and me with jello shot cups and laundry detergent. Go Lakeview.

Wink

Imagine a couple scenarios where you would find yourself winking at someone. Go ahead, take a few seconds.

Got those firmly on your mind?


Now apply those thoughts to your interpretation of this bag:

Maybe would've been better off with a plain smiley with that particular slogan?



Such a deal!

In front of one of Robert Morris University's buildings, a facility of higher learning.

And from this Friday's edition of the Northwest Indiana Times, courtesy of my parents. I swear, the only thing that's photoshopped in the pic is the black box b/c I don't want this to bite me in the ass if people find this and decide to call them en masse.

8/19/12

A: OH: "I'm so ready to get off this train, I'm claustrophobic!" I'm on the bus.

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8/27/12

Z: I just walked past a truck with a 'Waterfowl Mafia' sticker on it. I was gonna take a picture of the logo (a duck with a fedora and a tommy gun), and then I saw an NRA sticker and changed my mind. I don't wanna die in a Subway parking lot.

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8/28/12

A: Your gansta swagger and pants under your butt cred is slightly reduced by the TEXAS on your jersey.


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Today:

A: I'm not entirely sure parking your motor scooter in the dining room of your restaurant is within the health code.


Z: There's a kid on the bus, 13 at most, wearing one of those Lance Armstrong-type bracelets. His says: "boobies!"
A: Is it pink? I think that's an actual breast cancer campaign, something like "save the boobies!"
Z: Oh. It's gold lettering on white. Maybe I've got him all wrong, but this kid looks like he just loves boobies.

Busy day in Chi Town

A, 8:16am: A guy with one leg on crutches is keeping pace with my bus. I don't know whether to pat him on the back or scowl at my bus driver.

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Overheard 6:20pm-ish: "If you can look at it and tell what it is, I'm not a fan."

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A, 6:23pm: Just seen: old man parked in an suv outside Steamworks listening to very loud Hindi music smoking a hooka

Z: I think I might work with that guy.

How hard is it to press the spellcheck button?

I wonder, did the sign maker see the proof missing an E and ignore it, or was the E there and the sign maker messed up?

Little bit of landscaping from the neighborhood. There's no word to describe my feelings toward this other than "confused."

Great pizza. Excellent placemats.

Panties in a bunch

On the sidewalk, random elastic underwear band (hanes, if you're curious):

A few feet later, the rest of it:

Blast from the Past

More from the archives:

June 2009

2/12/10 - we have purple rock salt sometimes to brighten up the winter

4/11/10 - yes, that entire bag is full of what you see peeking out of it there.  Click the pic for a bigger view.

6/9/10 - what looks on the surface to be a harbinger of the end times is really just a Blackhawks celebration

2/5/11 - after the snowstorm that shut down the city for a couple days

6/26/11

 

7/4/12 - not Chicago specific but I couldn't not share.

Today's Adventures

Today's adventures:

A beta fish on a bus,

A shark head on a store,

and a sorry plate on a door.

I'm sure you've noticed, my phone's camera is horrible. Sorry for the suckage.

More from the archives

7/28/12

OH MY GOD. I just got back from Jewel. I decided to go down the makeup aisle to look at some nail polish and a drag queen/trans girl stops me and says "can you help me find my shade? I need to cover this (points to a ton of acne? bumps and stubble on her jaw line)." Asking me, a girl who has worn foundation maybe 10 times in my life, was the first of only one of many, many mistakes:

1) she's black, in a predominantly white store that doesn't seem to carry foundation for black skin tones.
2) bright pink too tight shirt
3) false eyelashes, one of which was falling off
4) black leggings as pants that were so thin they were see through
5) Elmo underwear
6) apparently needed the makeup RIGHTNOW and therefore couldn't go to Ulta to get professional (i.e. not me) help

Honestly, if she hadn't pointed it out, I never would have even noticed the bumps, she was such a train wreck. egads.

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8/1/12

Z:  I just walked past a guy with a real live snake around his wrist!

A: Did you get a pic? A few years ago there was a guy with a cockatoo outside my jewel. Failed on the pic front with that one.

Z: Sadly, no. I only realized what it was at the last minute, and though I’ve liked reptiles all my life I only had time for a quick ‘Holy Fuck that’s a snake!’

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4/21/12

A: Speaking of songs that don’t rhyme, this cabbie has on a christian station. It’s like garth brooks hijacked the messiah.
Z: So many responses sparking in my brain: "How could even the most devoted cabbie do their job on a Friday night in Chicago by listening to this!?"; "This sounds like it came from a universe where the Protestant Reformation took place at Opryland."; "I can't believe Jesus and I used to get along so well."

(the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsiDukXIeVY)

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6/24/12

Z: I just very nearly crushed a small child. What is your day like that you bring a stroller to the Pride Parade?

A: I know! It’s nowhere near family friendly. Do they not realize it’s all butts and boobs?

Z: Also in ‘Do You Realize What Parade You’re At?’ News: I just got hemmed in by a bunch of guys chanting: “Show we where dem titties at!”

A: hahahaha. A couple years ago I got propositioned for sex by a guy at the parade. Um? Lol.

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Unknown date, paraphrased:

A: I think the new schitzophrenic homeless person on my block is actually just high. They screamed "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOUR DOG!" to a passing dog walker and when I walked by, "Hey! Girl! Do you have change?!"


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7/20/12

A: I know I'm not a parent and I shouldn't judge, but I'm not sure having your two under-four children brush their teeth on the city bus (and then reprimanding them when they don't brush them well enough) is the best parenting choice.

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3/10/12
A: Ah, March in Chicago. When no one knows what the hell to wear so they just pick one extreme and go with it. Flip flops and shorts or wool coat and uggs.

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12/20/11

A: This Tiffany's ad is on my bus stop shelter. Did they not think we wouldn't notice her impossible 6" heels with the 2" platform and her clinging to the guy for her life?

 

Oh dear

Overheard on Halsted in Boystown tonight: "I just want a little privacy while I'm peeing."

Around town

A collection of fun photos from around town. As you can see, I'm playing catch up on past events. There won't be multiple posts per day like this ever again, I swear.

3/8/12

6/5/12

6/10/12

6/14/12

7/3/12

7/16/12

8/11/12 (feather boas and leather pants, it must be Market Days!)